I'm back but not really.

I wish I could describe how this vacation was. It was the first time that I didn't feel home sick. I'm scared of staying over at my uncles and aunts over the weekend because I start missing home. I stayed for almost a week without the internet (I'm addicted), my bed (I'm possessive) and most importantly my phone (there was so signal). Except the once-a-day call back home to pacify my grandmother, I didnt make a call. And it was fun.

I had no idea that so much "awesomeness" was ready to ambush me. There are parts that I can't recall but I smile. There are people who I had never met before who came really close. The hugs were warm and the smile genuine. Events and things are muddled in my head right now due to lack of sleep, I guess. I really wish I could explain what this trip did to me emotionally. Lets say that I was obsessed and bored to death and now, I have the zeal to move on forward. Life seemed at a standstill but now, it has realised that it needs to find direction.

I will never forget this amazing vacation and I have a hideous scar to remind me (Got it while I was racing for the train) :D

I will go back to the place with the same people anytime of the year without thinking even once. Again, I can't even begin to explain what this trip meant to me. See, I'm rambling now!

[gallery link="file" columns="2"]

I'm off!

Do you know the feeling when you just want to write? I have it today. Maybe because I'm so excited and I was thinking what the hell do I write about? I have been feeling pretty muse-less now a days. I suddenly, remembered that today was a Wednesday and we have the 3WW. And wonder of wonders, one of the words was journey. And that is precisely what I'm excited about. I'm off for a mini and super vacation.

Anyway, this is my take with the words : Hinder, Journey, Rigid.

After doing almost nothing for around 3 months, Sarah was bored. Bored of her life, of her routinely empty days. She had a busy rigid schedule which she gave up because it was beginning to take a toll of her health. The doctor had advised to take it slow. Slow but now, her life had come to complete stand still. There was nothing to do. She needed some excitement, something that gave her a reason to get up in the morning.



Finally came a call. A call from a friend who was bored too. They made a plan to meet halfway. There were a number of things coming her way. Her dad who wasnt used to her taking off like this was one major hinderance. But she managed to convinced him which kind of surprised her. Now, all that mattered was going on this journey. She was going to meet absolutely new people, of whom she had heard, some of whom she had spoken to but never ever met. She thought she was quite the dare devil. Now, all that matter was that trip. She packed her bags, while dancing. Finally, she was excited about something.

Oh yes, I'm tired of being online 24*7 and I'm taking off tomorrow to my grandmother's birthplace. I'm super duper excited and even though the story is absolutely stupid sounding, it is exactly what happened in the past 3 month. I will post a lot of pics when I'm back. Bon Voyage to me :)

I lost myself

This place I used to

Once call mine.

This life, I used to

Once call mine.

What belonged to me,

Doesnt anymore!

Places and things

Infested with memories,

Memories of you, of us.

Of times spent in

Arms of you.

Everywhere I go,

I lose myself

In a time, when

you were here.

I lose myself

In a place, when

we were one.

This place I used to

Once call mine.

This life, I used to

Once call mine.

Vanity is the price,

I paid for love.

A price I regret not.

I'm me, no longer.

What was mine,

is mine, no longer.

I lost myself

when I found you.

Queer!

"His chances of surviving are bleak," the doctor said, "It maybe time to say goodbye."

"Dad, I'm queer. I'm sorry I never told you," his son whispered.

All were shocked. There wasn't a sound around the room, not even him breathing. Suddenly, there was a hiccup.

"I always knew, son." The father breathed his last.

Wrote it for 3WW. Haven't written here in a while and had to kickstart! The words were: Queer, bleak and hiccup.

Return of the ranter

There is this person I follow on twitter who has taken to posting almost everyday in his blog and I'm envious. I wish I had a life so full of colour that I could write about it everyday. Actually I'm envious of what I used to be a few months ago. Those of you who followed me to wordpress from blogger would agree that I used to be quite the blogger. Sense or senseless but there used to always be something to read. Interesting or not.

Life, as of now, has become quite dull. And there isn't much to be done except for my absolutely MAD class! (which reminds me I have to take printouts for class)

At other times, I get these wicked ideas of doing things but the lazy me can never get my ass of this damn bed and get working. But, today, I declare is the end of the lazy era. Get to work, I say! Er, what work? Find one, first, I guess. To be making a list, what are things I always wanted to do? Now, that I have the time, shouldn't I be doing those? Ah, finally a positive twist on things. Damn, why do I get energy in the middle of the night?

Fine, to making the list then. I do need to learn cooking. I can't even make a cup of tea. Damn! Ok so,

1. Learn to cook.

Maybe I can better my french. 3 years of it college and now, I have forgotten it all. So lets try not to forget. I should get the old text book out. Hmmm so, now we have

2. Better french skills (la langue, s'il vous plait)

Damn damn, how could I forget?

3. Study that GRE material much much more seriously!

I wonder if this is enough. If not I have a lot of movies to catch up on and learn how to use the LAN services that my darling cable net has provided. Basically, I need to get a real life. Get out of this virtual life. Sigh! I wonder if I will ever keep these up. Well, lets be optimistic atleast while we are starting :P


Oh yeah, this marks the return of the ranter!

Lost or found?

Standing in front of the mirror,

I look, I wonder,

Has something really changed?

I talk and try to understand

What people have to say,

Have I truly changed?

So much that people

Recognise me no longer?

Used to be you,

No longer as you were,

Is all I hear over and over again.

Is it really so?

What and who has changed?

I feel and think no different,

Maybe people perceive different?

There has lot that has change,

I disagree with it not.

Part of growing up,

Have I lost what I used to be?

Or is it that I found what I'm?

Did I lose the uniqueness?

Did I find the calmness?

Did I mature? Or

Did I just lose my innocence?

Each day, this confusion grows.

Answers I seek, but none I find.

Muddled and confused,

Ignore everything, should I?

Questions are aplenty,

Answers, none.

I am what I am today,

I was what I was, yesterday.

I shall change throughout

and so shall you.

I shall evolve and with me,

Maybe you will too.

Dedicated to the leading man of my life movie!

Dear Baby Brother,
(Ok, you aren't a baby anymore so scratch that..)

Dear little brother,
(That just sounds wrong. You are almost 6 ft tall)

Sigh!

Dearest darling brother,

(Ok lets make do with this for now)

[Wasn't originally meant to be so but totally fits the 30-letter tag]
I was talking to a friend today when I shouted at you today. Ironically I shouted, "Dont shout." My friend said I shouldn't be so mean to you especially for no fault of yours. I know I lose my temper. I know I shout at you when I shouldn't. Most often I displace my anger at you. I could say sorry and finish it off. But somehow, it just feel wrong. And no, it isn't because of my ego. But our relationship is the only relation in the world, I can take for granted. I still remember the days when we used to fight like cats and dogs. Then, Amma would come and shout at us. Either of us (whoever was more angry and less bruised) who lash back and 15 mins later, we would be enjoying the TV or something else and both of us would be miffed at Amma.

I still maintain that I don't care what I say to because in the end, I know it and I hope you know it, it is you and me, till the end! Always and forever!

Arrgh, I wish I could write more to you. But we aren't used to this, are we? Hell, you read my mind. So, finish that damn journal of yours quick. Have fun. I really want to say I love you but you'll just cringe at that. But I do and you know it. And I hope you always follow your heart. I'm right here if and when you need me...


Love (and kisses :P),
Your ELDER sister!
(Ok ok,)

Love,
Rashi

PS: Just realised that I will ACTUALLY have to part with my laptop to let you read this...Damn!

The lost girl

To a girl and a woman I'm trying to understand.

When you meet her, you'll probably think she is a snob. Some have told her so. Most change their opinions on meeting her the next time. But you'll never stop thinking, "Man, she talks too much." You'll wince when you see her cross the road. She is careless about her life and health, much like she is with her heart.

She has her pride and an ego too. She is sensitive to criticism but in a no way weak. She cringes on seeing bad English but she knows how to keep her mouth shut. She believes in giving a second chance and maybe even a third but more than that you are just fooling yourself.

She loves doing nothing but is restless in inactivity. She sets very high standards and loves it when people exceed it. She likes it when people correct her more than she loves correcting people.

She wishes things could be better but knows that they could be worse too.

When you meet her, it will seem like the whole world is her friend. She is nice to almost everyone. When you really come to know her (a matter of pride for only a few) you'll know how lonely she is. She is there whenever someone needs her but is there someone who is there for her always?

People love her smile. People love her eyes but a few can see the pain and the emptiness that reflect in them. A few can see that the smile plastered on her face doesnt have the warmth of her heart. Because it feels like a cold cold place there. Frozen over. Brittle and vulnerable.

There is complete chaos in her life but on the outside, she is a woman. Within somewhere deep inside is a lost lost girl!

Confusion, still prevails!

 

 

Wish there was a way to define,
Wish I could lie and say I was fine,
Countless dreams, I hold onto.
Broken now. Unyielding bleeding hands.
Hope glides over and above,
Out of reach, within sight!
Leave what I what I've, do I?
In pursuit of a better day?
Dreams, though broken, are mine.
Love, though unrequited, is true.
To the skies above, I look.
For a sign of what to do.
Look within and not beyond
Is all that I can garner!
Confusion, still prevails.

randomness

There is a million and one things that need my attention. I have my hand in so many pies that 24 hrs too shouldnt be enough to finish it.

Is it an absolute necessity that something small, mundane and crazy remind me of you? Then I come crashing down. Down to the absolute bottom where I want to crawl and just lie and never come out until everything is over.

Why the hell do things flooding back, that too with such vividness that I can feel things all over again? I feel like, in this one year, I have taken a million step but in a circle. I am the same damn place I was last year at this time. No change. Nothing has changed. Not a bit. Circumstances have changed. People have changed. The directions of my emotions have changed too. But the hurt just doesnt go away. It hurt. It healed and then it comes back. I hate this process of feeling things all over again.

The first time shit happens, you can gather yourself, convince yourself that things will be better. But then this fades, truth gets to you. You realise that it has happened again. And then comes, the thought, what if it keeps happening. Over and over and over again. What if it is this crazy thing where every year, this time, this shit will happen...

How do you tell yourself that it will be ok? How do you look forward to the next day? How do you bring yourself to believe in yourself once again?

Where are you?

That whom you seek,
That who is your solace,
Those kind words,
you yearn to hear.

That whom you search
That who calms you
That whose voice
you yearn to hear.

That who you lost
in the craziness of this world
That who you left behind
while running this rat race.

That whom you miss
That whom you wished
you had let of never.
Those sparkling eyes.

Those fingers that once
Entangled yours.
That lips that once
touched yours desirefully.

Does that person
even exist anymore?

The half

We met but for a brief time.
We parted with sorrow sweet.
Promises of once again
Deep within us.

Far away you are.
Close to my heart,
there is, though,
A small piece of you

A half of what you carry,
A half of what you touch
Each day like you
Touched me once.

I hold it close to myself
Trying to relive each moment
Hoping that some day
I will hold you just as close.

That bit of you protects
and cares for me.
Supports me when
I'm down. It is you.

It is what I cling to
When Im scared.
It is what I clench
When I'm afraid. It is you.

One day, finally,
We will be together again
The halves around the necks
Will be one just like us.


Written for OSI

Strangling hope

Hope is what keeps it alive,

hope is what keeps us going,

hate it and blame it,

Hope keeps me coming back.

Hope against hope,

Fighting the tide,

Each time, it surges.

It wounds and kills,

Leaving ghastly scars,

Nurse it wit

ch time.

Take a look at me,

I'm standing here,

Just like I said,

Promises, I've kept

Wonder what it is,

Th

That you cant hea

Despite my pPlease read Disappear by Hoobastank before or after you read this piece of nonsense :)

Hope is what keeps it alive,

hope is what keeps us going,

hate it and blame it,

Hope keeps me coming back.

Hope against hope,

Fighting the tide,

Within me,

Each time, it surges.

It wounds and kills,

Leaving ghastly scars,

Nurse it with love and

Hope, I do each time.

Take a look at me,

I'm standing here,

Just like I said,

Promises, I've kept.

Wonder what it is,

That you cant see,

That you cant hear,

Despite my pleas unsilent.

Throat hoarse,

Hope despaired

Tongue bitten,

Heart still beating.

Walk away only to

Return with hope anew

Care brimming from the top

and hope back in the eyes.

Take a look at me,

I'm standing here,

Just like I said,

Promises, I've kept.

A word of appreciation,

A look of care,

A sigh of relief,

That yes, you are here.

Farewell

As I bid goodbye to you,
I wonder if its a farewell.
I take a step closer,
Kiss you on your cheek
And turn around
To hide my tears-
A futile attempt.

I want you to not leave,
A desire I keep hidden
In the depths of my heart.
I want to run away.
It hurts to see you go
Will you miss me?
I wonder.

I walk with you to check-in
Like on auto-pilot
Emotions overpowering
Mind whirling,
Thoughts running wild
Voice caught in my throat
Hands numb.

Finally, it is time
For the one final hug,
Tears dried, muscles frozen.
You take my face in your hands
"This ain't farewell, just a
See you later". I smile and
Whisper back, "See you later, alligator"

My descent

I slowly begin my descent,

Down back to terra firma.

Lived in fame and glory,

For a time, I call mine.

I'm falling, down and fast.

The fall scares me not,

However.

It reminds me of all,

All the things I lost,

Of the things I gave up,

Of the dreams I shunned

Of people, I left.

The high of the flight

doesnt compare to

The scare of the fall.

Things change.

People move on.

Will you still be there?

I slowly begin my descent,

With hope and belief.

I slowly begin my descent,

Hoping to rise in your eyes.

I slowly begin my descent,

Down back to terra firma.

Lived in fame and glory,

For a time, I call mine.

I'm falling, down and fast.

The fall scares me not,

However.

It reminds me of all,

All the things I lost,

Of the things I gave up,

Of the dreams I shunned

Of people, I left.

The high of the flight

doesnt compare to

The scare of the fall.

Things change.

People move on.

Will you still be there?

I slowly begin my descent,

With hope and belief.

I slowly begin my descent,

Hoping to rise in your eyes.

PS: Sometimes, what you believe to be the heights are nothing but the peak of the loneliness. It is best to fall down, hard, maybe even break and begin all over again.

Submitted for OSI

Slideshow

Written a really long time ago,  but weirdly I can still relate to this.

I lay on my bed. Frustrated and flustered. Happiness had left me. All it left was void. An empty place. I tried to fill it with numerous things but all was momentary. I tossed

Immediately, my thoughts turned to him. Him that I had let go. I heard news of him doing well. Getting a lot of praise. Everyone saying he was perfect. Suddenly, I remember what it felt to have him touch me. Just holding hands felt wrong. Eerie. Like it didnt belong. No, I dont regret it. I turn.

My thoughts fly to him. Him that I wish could let go. My stomach churns at the very thought of not loving him anymore. It seems like I have done so forever. My head wheels as I contrast the feelings I have for both. Couldn't be more different. I smile sinisterly. I feel cheap. Like a broken rag doll.

Acute stress, the doctor tells me. I need to relax. The aches and pains are result of my brain. It is all in mind. My mind which isnt mine anymore. Thoughts go on in random fashion. Like a presentation gone haywire. One slide after another with no proper sequence. Memories, dreams, reality, fears all flash one after the other.

Somehow, of all that has eluded me. Pain never has.

Ps: It is fiction. A few posts inspired this :)

I wanna be a superhero!

It isnt a secret that I want superpowers. Na, I dont want to fly or be invisible (though it would be fun to sneak up on some people in their bedrooms :P) I want to either be able to travel through time and space or be able to read people's mind. I cant decide which.

What will I do with these superpowers is what Cho asked me, tonight! I will blog about it, I told him. He just smirked as usual.

What will I do if I had the ability to read people's minds? I would not have to ask , " So how does this make you feel?" One of the most important question as a psychologist. Ok, jokes apart. I would love to know what people are thinking when I'm talking to them. People can be all nice to you on your face but history has proved that people are anything but nice behind your back. Or  at least there are quite a few people like that. I truly, genuinely lack the ability to differentiate between those who love me with all their hearts. Made a zillion mistakes this way. Maybe this will spare my heart some ache.

The second power is more special, at least to me. Not only does it let me travel to any place right now but also into the past and the future. Smart,  eh? Place-wise, there are a 100 friends that I would love to visit (1 in particular) There is this one place I would love to go to sleep every and each day but alas that place is really far away from where Im right now. There is this one place I would love to rush to when I hear I miss you. There is this one face I would love to see as soon as I wake up.

Time-wise, I would love to re-live each of the limited time I spent with my mother. Maybe I could tell her to not listen to that stupid doctor and take a second opinion. I would tell those dumb doctors to take the right decision and not the one that killed Pachi (my aunt). I would right so many wrongs made.

I know all the time-space continuum shit but it doesnt cost to dream, does it?

Silly silly me!

Time may be a healer,

I know not.

Tomorrow, when I look back,

It may hurt not.

The pangs I feel

In the pit of my stomach

I may feel not.

The way the colour

Runs away from my face,

The way the smile

Is wiped from my lips,

Each time I see you sad,

May happen not.

All I know is that

Today,

I love you.

It hurts to see you sad

It pains to see you pine.

It kills to have you

Not near.

Making a feeble attempt

To get my life back,

Regain my lost glory.

Take a step forward,

Only to take two backward.

Right back to you.

Always and forever,

Back to you, I run!

Time may be a healer,

I know not.

Tomorrow, when I look back,

It may hurt not.

The pangs I feel

In the pit of my stomach

I may feel not.

The way the colour

Runs away from my face,

The way the smile

Is wiped from my lips,

Each time I see you sad,

May happen not.

All I know is that

Today,

I love you.

It hurts to see you sad

It pains to see you pine.

It kills to have you

Not near.

Making a feeble attempt

To get my life back,

Regain my lost glory.

Take a step forward,

Only to take two backward.

Right back to you.

Always and forever,

Back to you, I run!

Hello World

Hello World seems to be the apt title for this post. Im ready to finally come out of the shell, I had kept myself confined to. I need to write. I need not get the crazy comments or write because I have to but Im back to writing for the reasons that I started.

It is weird how life takes a full circle always. You start off as something innocent and perfectly insane and idealist, then shit happens and you change yourself. Become "mature" and try to protect yourself from the harshness of the world. Then, once again you realise, you miss all the craziness in your life. What we perceive is protecting ourselves is by putting this wall around us. We imagine that no1 can ever hurt us again. But we fail to realise that slowly we start to suffocate within those walls. You open the doors and things come back at an overwhelming speed and then you're left to handle everything that you thought you had left behind.

It aint bad to be vulnerable. It aint bad to be insane. It aint too bad being me.