Monday, January 30, 2012

One more.

I think I heard something tonight.
1. It could be true.
2. I could be imagining it.

Either way, I have to explore if words said or unsaid, are they words I wish to hear?

This thinking of stuff that I decided not to do anymore is coming back to haunt me.

Friday, January 27, 2012


Please read the important announcements at the end as well?

It all started with this weird knee pain on Friday. It all started the day before the day I was hoping to be on my knees a lot.

Soon, it was Monday and the pain had reduced but not gone away. This can't be good, I thought and decided it was time to stop putting off going to the doctor. I telling myself that it was a ligament tear. Two of my friends had the same thing. I hadn't realised how contagious thing really was. I would have to limp all of this semester IF I was allowed to walk.

The doctor only confirmed my self diagnosis. It most probably was a ligament pull or tear, an Xray would reveal the extent of the injury.

If I had a superpower it would be that of over thinking. I already had begun thinking of when I could schedule the surgery. Yes, end of the semester. Hopefully, it should not be that bad. If nothing, I will repeat this semester next year with all my juniors.

I managed to get my Xrays and CT scans done and walked in confidently into the doctor's office. I already knew what was waiting for me. Ligament tear. Surgery. Being trained to walk again. Maybe this will teach me not to take exercise lightly. I might start running. Yes, this way all the pain will mean something. Oh my, it is going to hurt a lot, isn't it? Also, whee, painkillers.

The doctor looked at the Xray and stared at it for a good 10 minutes before he said, “It is not a ligament tear or a pull”


“It looks like there is a growth here. I can't see it properly. You need to do an MRI.”
I don't like being wrong and telling me my ligaments are okay after I was planning to run and win the marathon? That is cruel. But wait, a growth?

“What kind of growth?” I ask the doctor giving up the dream of being on the podium of the Mumbai marathon with the Kenyan and Ethiopian runners.

“It mostly is benign tumour but I need an MRI to be sure,” he said.

Mostly? Gulp.“There is less than 10% chance that it will be malignant”

WAIT. Why would you say that to me? To a 23 year old? When she is alone. I walked out of the hospital listening to Video Games by Lana on loop. Reached home and crashed on the bed. My dog jumped on the bed to greet me. Will she miss me? My family. Why am I surprised?

Cancer runs in the family. But with all the smoking and drinking, I expected my lungs or my liver to give out but not so early. My knee? Really? That's what is going to kill me? My grandmother, how will she take the news? Will my brother miss me? Will my Dad? It is a good thing my grandfather doesn't realise what is happening around him. He won't realise that a giant truck just hit the family.

“Dad, I need to come home, NOW. Can you book my tickets?”

It was a wonder he caught the urgency in my voice and 15 minutes later, I was driving to the airport, looking at everything like it was my last time. Good bye, Chennai airport. Good bye, awesome friends here. I will haunt you soon, I swear.

I wondered about how much chemo hurts while I checked in. Finally, I will get to lose all of that weight. And my life long dream of going bald. Awesome. If only, I don't die immediately after. But what are the chances of that happening?

Have I mentioned how much I love painkillers? Boarded the plane, took one and immediately fell asleep.
The next thing I know is this sharp pain in my head. Head? I felt whoozy. Like I was being thrown around. I looked out of the airplane window, we were falling. I could hear the Captain say something but my head could not process. What was happening? All I remember next is a loud crashing sound and everything going blank.

Apparently, really important announcements relating to this post.
1. I am not dead. This post is not from my grave.
2. My knee is acting funny. There is some kind of "bony projection". I am heading to Mumbai for further investigation. I DON'T HAVE CANCER, yet.
3. This was a stupid attempt at dry humour but I suppose I hit too close to home. I am sorry to all those that I got worried.
4. If I were writing a post about real things (non-fictional), I wouldn't write about my smoking, drinking or my sex life even if I indulged in any or all of those things. #justsaying.
5. I love all of you who actually called. Yay, I have more than one reader of the blog.

Monday, January 09, 2012

That dream

That achievable dream that suddenly within my grasp.
That far fetched destination that is closer than ever, only getting closer with time.
That everything that can be mine only if my grasp is strong and heart of steel.

If only....

Rant number 1034

It is never easy to re write what you already have. It never easy to tell a story that exists only in your head. It is never easy to do something that isn't in your nature. It is never easy to complete unfinished business.

But yes, you have to go on. Because of what you want in the end, might just be worth all this effort.

Sometimes, it just is better not to ever say, never.