The way I know how.

Reading my blog post, a friend commented that I sounded tired. And yes, I am tired. The daily grind is awesome. I sleep as less as I can muster courage to do. I go out with friends and have fun till I can't take it anymore and slump down on my bed. But it is days like these, when the University is over, friends have been met over a casual cup of coffee, it is almost 1am and you are up, awake, with nothing to do.

It is in moments like these, that the stupid brain starts to work and memories come rushing back. Now, it isn't memory of a single person or a single moment, it is amalgamation of so many different things that I want to scream out loud. If I were to narrate my story to someone from the beginning to the end, I come across as such a vile person. But this has all been in the quest of one single thing : Happiness.

Unfortunately, it has always been MY happiness. I say to the butterfly that runs away from me, just as I cozy up to it sitting on my shoulder : No more.

I have had enough of running, tiring and then running again, only to be tired. Enough of the search for the horizon. I shall be happy where I am, now. It is hard not to think of what is to come, but I shall triumph. How I am not sure. I shall not slump into my old habits. I shall not make some calls that I shall truly regret, and if I do make them, I shall not regret.

I shall live, the way I know how to.

Cutting loose.

When the guarded soul lets loose, there is a pandemonium that occurs inside. 

When emotions flow unrestrained, quite like the tears flowing down the cheeks, there is turmoil that occurs inside.

I thought 

of what I had - Nothing.

of what I didn't have - Everything.

of what I had a lost - A lot.

of people I had lost - A lot.

Some due to things beyond control - Mom. (13 yrs later, I still don't know how to handle it)

Some due to my craziness - I am sorry.

of those who used and abused.

of those I used and abused.

of how it never seems to end.

of the despair that it will truly never end.

of how, maybe it isn't too late to make amends.

of how, maybe it is too late.

Schizophrenic.

I am a little fucked up in the head.
Just a little, I swear.
I do things, I shouldn't
And never regret them.
I live in my head, dreaming
And thinking all the time.
I love it that way.
I live in my lala land where
everything is my way.
Why should I bother changing then?
When I have the perfect world
You only wish you had.
It ain't real, you say.
Look in my head, I retort,
Everything is as real as
Real can ever be.

Ice cream and chocolate sauce

"I won't stay for long," he said, "I have work tomorrow."
"Just for dinner," I cajoled.
He sat, one among the others.
We ate with our eyes it seemed.
Licking off pasta sauces, sly smile, twinkled eyes.
"Ice cream?," I ask.
He nods, reluctantly.
"I really need to leave."
Double fudge chocolate.
"Chocolate sauce?"
He sighes.
Nod once, half hearted once again.
Sauce dribbled in the shape of a heart.
The last dribble licked off the finger.
He looked up and smiled.
I knew he was sold on the icecream and more.

I walk this road.

I walk this road.
This road of self-destruction.
I know, well, where it will take me.
And yet, I walk.
Why?
Because there is hope.
A slight chance.
That it will take me somewhere else.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
What can I say? Except maybe that I am insane.
At least I am not hopeless, not a cynic.
Not yet, at least.
I still have hope.

Leaving on a Jetplane?

Guess what I did as soon as I got my tickets to Chennai? I wrote or rather I started singing "I am leaving on a Jet plane" with a few changes. You have to read it in the same tune as song. Try it and call me crazy. :D


All my bags are packed and I am ready to come
I am standing here, outside my door,
I would love to wake you up and say hello.

The dawn is breaking. It's early morn,
The taxi is waiting, blowing its horn.
Already I am so excited, I can't rhyme.

So kiss me and wait for me
And tell you wont be late for me
and hold me like you'll never let me go...
Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane....