Conversation killers

Technology has made things more difficult. People expect you to keep in touch with them all the time. First, it was okay that you called them and spoke in great detail about everything that happened in the past since-you-last-spoke-them but now, you have whatsapp everything that happens as it happens. While this is okay if you have an awesome and amazing life, if you are unemployed, bored and home, almost 24*7, you really have nothing to say, do you?

On the flip side, since I am bored and unemployed, I ping my friends all the time. God bless whatsapp and free texting. These are people that I talk to everyday and while I appreciate their effort to keep the conversation going sometimes, they can't help but fall into the rut of conversation killers. These are words that make you wonder if the person is bored, busy and trying to kill the conversation, whether they mean to or not. A good conversation is a game of catch, A throws, B catches and then, B throws and A catches and it goes on. A conversation killer is when A throws and B catches and that's that. To keep the conversation going A has to procure a new ball from somewhere and A might not have an unlimited supply of balls, you know.

I asked on twitter which words end up as conversation killers and here's a short list:

1. ":)"  - Actually any smilie will do.
2. Okay or any of its cousins, worst of all, "k"
3. Hmmmm
4. Nothing much or worse, NM - This generally follows What's up and isn't met with a "what's up" in return.
5. Lol - Come on, you can better. Tell me what you found funny or ask me what happened next?
6. Yes/ No - Similar to okay.


Most of you can do better I bet. What word irks you the most?

(Thanks, @milcom_ , @sloth13, @AnjuJaison, @paripooj , @violetcrab, @riccu for your suggestions)

Of beauty and distance.

I had this conversation of sorts with a friend and that got me thinking, "do we appreciate beauty when we are closer to the object or when we are further away?"

Somethings are better off far away. All mistakes, blemishes, faults seem smaller when you are far away. And magnified when you are closer. Similarly when you are closer to an object, there are so many aspects of a thing that you can notice that small faults seem irrelevant.

I have no answer to this yet. Will sleep on it and see what I think tomorrow morning. 

Of how I lost my wallet for Re.1, managed to get the credit cards of my entire family and have no idea of how I will shop and other such deep stuff.

First things first, I might be going to Germany. Yes, now, please don't jinx it. Okay? Visa is a pain. Thankfully, I have an awesome person taking care of that. And for that I needed a Demand Draft. Got one done but there was error. Had to get another one. Apparently to cancel a DD you need a revenue stamp. (Why all these stupid rules is a separate rant) I went to the post office. Got my wallet out and got of the post office in less than a minute. Walked 10 seconds and wanted to get something to drink and realised I don't have my wallet. Fuck the cash (which was quite a bit) but my cards. Okay, maybe fuck my cards too. But I have to shop to go to Europe and I have no cards.

How can it get any worse? Oh wait, it does. Yesterday, I had an entire pissed off conversation with my father about I should be trusted and considered an adult. And what do I do today? Self respect down the drain. So if you have a piece of my self respect while you are having a bath, please return it. If you find it while doing other stuff, let it go. I will survive.

So not only have I lost my wallet and aforementioned self respect, I have managed to block my dad's and brother's credit cards. They were all connected to one account and now, they are now all blocked. Brilliant.

Somehow all of this has to make sense, right? Nothing happens without a reason. Or maybe it does. In those moments that I ran inside the Post Office to check if my wallet was still there, I surveyed the area, checked the floor to check if my wallet was still there. I saw this one man in his rickshaw driver uniform. Since I didn't find my wallet, my mind immediately thought, oh maybe he took it. Mind you there were many others around but my mind immediately started noticing him. In my moments of panic, I said nothing and thank God for that. But I feel so pathetic that with all of my criminology training and shit, I am still just a mere mortal with all my prejudices. I know I am being pompous but ideally, maybe, I should have looked at everyone with the same suspicious eyes and I didn't. Wallet to gaya, the halo I had on my head, also gone.

Over all, a pretty stupid day, I say.

This has been my day so far. Now, it is time to become the bull's eye for daddy's firing range and go crack that visa interview tomorrow.

(Feeble attempts to make myself see the funnier side to things. It hasn't worked very much)


P. S : I had to mention that it was a sexy Pierre Cardin wallet which my dad gave me and I will miss it. RIP.

I thought. I typed.

Have you ever laughed so much that you cried? Cried because it hurt and the laughter broke the emotional dam you had built?
Yes, that happened.
I had no reason to cry. I had a 100 blessing to count for.
But yet here I was. Cranky. Stupid. And feeling like an outsider.
I can't decide where I belong. Not here and not there. Home is where the heart is but where is the heart? Is there a heart?
A friend called. He was perplexed. I gave him advice like I have been there before a million of times. Have I? Welcome to the other side, I told him. Where the view is awesome but the cost is your soul
Where is this heading? Where am I going? Do we all have days like these?
It will get better.
Yes.
Or it will get worse.
Whichever. I can't control it.
I just move on.
It is funny how I try to end all my posts on a happy end. Just so that I end up feeling better once I put the final full stop. Most often, I actually do feel better.
On an unrelated note, there is something I decided to do before I leave Chennai and yesterday, the stage was set beautifully for it. But I literally had to bite my tongue to wait for the right time. The right time is such a random concept. In this case, I need a few more months to deal with what is going to come with it.
In the excitement of what might not be, I put this full stop.

I judge you.

I judge you, my dear.
I judge you.
I judge you for the choice you made.
I judge you for the comparisons you forced me to make.
I judge you even though I said I never would.
I judge you and it's something you taught me to do.
I judge you and yet, I will let nothing change.
I judge you but I shall support you.
Someday, I will stop, I hope.
One day, one of us will realise that we were wrong.
I hope that one is me.

One more.

I think I heard something tonight.
1. It could be true.
2. I could be imagining it.

Either way, I have to explore if words said or unsaid, are they words I wish to hear?

This thinking of stuff that I decided not to do anymore is coming back to haunt me.

That dream

That achievable dream that suddenly within my grasp.
That far fetched destination that is closer than ever, only getting closer with time.
That everything that can be mine only if my grasp is strong and heart of steel.

If only....

Is the world too big or too small?

Is the world too big for me to hide from things and people I want to avoid?
Or is the world too small that I will keep bumping into people time and again?
Sometimes, giving the chance to reconcile, giving a second chance to what might could have been. Or is plain huge for people to disappear and leave you with regrets and what ifs?

I am unsure if I should believe in 6 degrees of separation or not. But maybe, if I saw some of you later, sometime in my life, I wouldn't feel the way I do right now. And for good measure.

7 things I wish were true.

(edited : Thanks Kris for pointing the error in the title. I should consider getting a proof reader for my blog posts)


1. Live and let live.
2. Being drunk and doing things is fun.
3. Even if people don't understand you, they can be your friends.
4. As you do, so shall you reap.
5. People always learn from their mistakes.
6. Every event has some meaning attached to it. It all is part of a grand scheme.
7. Everyone gets their happy ending.

Leaving life behind.

It is not easy to leave your life behind. Well, is it possible to leave your life behind? It follows you into the dark and into the light, never leaving you till your very last breath.

One year ago, I was jubilant to my life behind in Mumbai to start another one in Chennai. That was one year ago. Once again, today, I am packing again to leave all of this behind for that.

Adios Mumbai. I will back, soon enough.

Love.
Me.

Ps: This post promised to be so much but I just can't face it right now. 

Tired.

Everyone seems to be achieving something or the other. I try to take on something fun, something I have always wanted to do and yet I seem to fail. It is crazy. It is difficult to break old habits.

I think it is something I lack. Maybe a gene or something. I can't do anything against biology, can I now?

Some one find a pill that will reverse these effects? I am tired. 

Accept.

When you want to hold on and yet let go,
When you want to let go and yet hold on,
When you don't know anymore,
what to pray for and what to wish for.
When there isn't an answer and
only one question : here or there?
When everything revolves around that,
that which you want to escape.
Escape,you did, temporarily,
Only to have the guilt.
Leave it all behind,
Fight,
For what?
When believes are challenged
And there is nothing you can really do.
Except accept.

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10 days to home.

Yes, finally, officially, the countdown begins to go home. FOR TWO WHOLE MONTHS. Wheeee.

My tickets are booked for 27th night. And I have an exam till 5pm on 27th so I have go to uni with all my baggage. That is not going to be fun. Well, that means I have to start packing now. Because there is just so much to take. I don't know what to take and what to leave behind.

Arrrgh. Home beckons. Just have to get through this final hurdle of exams and then, Bbay, here I come. Wheeee!

Breakfree

That feeling when you crib and crib to your parents for something you want.
That feeling when you know you deserve something but just can't have it.
That feeling when you are down and beaten.
That feeling when you know you deserve better.
That feeling when you know your boss is  a douche.
That feeling when you know you could make things right.
That feeling when you decide to makes things right.
That feeling when you break free and decide to fly.

Home is where the heart is and my heart belongs to you, Bombay!

The sights and sounds that make home. I don't love Bombay because it is the "city of dreams" or the "city that never sleeps" but because it is home. Simple as that.

The dust, the heat, the traffic and above all, the hordes of people all that make this city special. I don't know why so people come here but I do know why I find it so difficult to leave. Family and friends.

Independence is one thing but the idea of everything taking care of itself is awesome. The someone to run to each day or of hot dinner waiting for you, I yearn for while I'm away.

School friends, college friends, twitter friends, just friends (origin unknown). Meeting all of them in just a week is impossible. I've to break someone's heart each time. (Pompous eh?) I keep saying I'll be back for 2 months (summer break). But I doubt I'll meet them then as well. I will have an internship that might require me to be running around the city. But everything is just an excuse. I just don't want to miss this comfort when I am away. 


People don't understand the reason for me to choose the window seat in the aircraft. The reason is simple. That first sight of my city. Those lights, blinding lights. Just the feeling of I am home. Where everything is familiar and everything is mine.

Today, once again I pack my bag. Wondering if I can reschedule my ticket, I know I'll be back soon finding every small excuse. Because I leave my heart here.

road to recovery

That thing that you just can't let go of. That piece of cloth, that book, that piece of paper, that stub of a ticket. Pieces and glimpses of the past that you hold onto.

Things that you can't let go of. Ideas that occupy your mind. Dreams that flood your thoughts. Memories that possess you. How worthy of your present are they? How worthy of your time today are they?

Wonder why I am thinking of it but I just am. The slideshow in my head is not yet fixed and it throws up images in seeming weird chronological order. It jumps from an era to another and the feelings that it brings with it are just as poignant and vivid as they were at that point in time.

Things that happened years ago. The disgust that I felt, the pain I experienced, everything is the same. It just feels like I am watching someone's pain and I am empathizing. It ain't me. It is someone else.  I can only imagine that this is what the road of recovery looks like. This road has the most sucky scenery.

Ranting no. god knows what.

Adjusting and being assertive. Both serve different purposes and we have to behave in different ways depending on the situation.

I have learnt this the bitter way that I am assertive, almost bordering on being aggressive with a few and there are times that I am a total pushover. That is it, I say. I do as I want and I shall compromise when I want.

If you are not adjusting, neither shall I be because I can bend but not if I think that I will break. Enough.

Dearest parents.

Dearest parents of children of any age,

Please read this with an open mind and though you might not agree with me, I bet your children do.

1. Your child is not stupid. (S)He has a brain and it functions really well.

2. Your child is not a robot. (S)he doesn’t work on batteries and hence, you cannot control her/him.

3. Your child is perceptive and knows you better than you know her/him.

4. Your child is an individual. Please learn to respect her/his individuality

 

Today I was a part of a seminar that spoke about the role of parents in imparting value education to children. I can’t believe the things that I heard. Parents were talking of kids being deviant because of excessive use of mobile phones? Like, serious? That is why you call your child a deviant?

Not, was the concept of deviance pretty weird, the definition of value too was misconstrued. Apparently, wearing a sari to a college reunion shows how valued you are. So, I kill people, I bribe my way to the top, I drive drunk and maybe I steal but if I wear a sari, I have my values in place.

According to the woman presenting, (And here, I shall quote her exact words), “Recent studies show that 45% of children in the age group of 12-17 have had alcohol, at least once. What is more surprising is that girls TOO have a drink.”

This another parent (father) stands up and says, “The major problem here, is that we are bad role models for our kids. (I agree) We drink and smoke in front of them and we expect them not to. (Again, I agree) Whatever you want to do, do it 5 km away from your house (SAY WHAAAT?) My job doesn’t let me quit drinking and smoking. (He is a cigarette and alcohol tester/taster?) So I don’t do any of those in front of my children.”

Well, good for you, sir because your kids will probably never do the same in front of you and you shall die an ignorant man.

Seriously, what twisted concept is this? Children are NOT stupid. We know when to approach our parents when we want something. We know how to sense their moods. Hell, my 2 yr. old cousin can do that, so imagine what your 10-yr. old can figure out.

I am 22. And till today, my greatest fear is to let my dad down. But I know for a fact that if I screw up (And God knows, I do that a lot), he may be disappointed in me for a while, but it doesn’t change his love and affection for me. And that gives me the courage to approach him when I am in trouble. It is scary to tell him but yet reassuring. He might not fix it but he will definitely understand.

Also, (almost) every child is rebellious. Sometimes it is a phase and sometimes a characteristic. But we all like to try out things. Most children have tried a smoke and a drink. That doesn’t change their value system. It is in this rebellious phase that kids need the trust and faith of the parents. Otherwise, the child is going to one scared individual, unable to take any kind of risk.

Last thing, (I suppose and hope) every parent wants the child to be independent and not get swayed by peer pressure. This independence, most often starts by the kid challenging your authority. The moment your child asks you why does he have to follow your orders, that is the day to celebrate. That day, he shuns all external control and becomes an individual. How you react to it will decide whether your child shall think for himself or be under external control throughout his life.

I am very glad that I attend this seminar, I would have never been able to appreciate my dad and my grandparents.

Letting Go!

Some days, she wished she could let go.

Jump in the deep blue ocean and just let go.

No title

I knew I shouldn't have done it. When every cell of my body was wanting to go the other way, I still went ahead. I didn't listen to my instincts and look where it has got me. It is easy for me to cut people out. But this hurts, like it has never hurt before. Who knew I could get hurt? Why did I trust? When I could see all the signs, when it frustrated me so much right from the start, why did I still go ahead with it? Why did I expect otherwise? Why did I think it would not go the way I had thought? I definitely didn't think it would end this way. I thought I was being cynical, the crazy one, the one that thought too much, when all I got in return was affection. I thought I was the one that couldn't adjust, the one that couldn't bring myself to feel the same way. This is all my fault. I knew it right from the beginning and still went ahead it. How could I have let myself flow with these stupid feelings? Never again. Never ever again will I be so vulnerable.

You know what sucks? That I know that this is exactly what is going on in your head and I can do absolutely nothing about it. I know you too well. I know you well enough to know that staying away from you and letting you think all this is probably for your best. But everytime I pass by that road, I see the places that we went to, I think of you and us. It probably is never meant to be but the fact that you think all that was a lie hurts a lot. I hope you never read this. I hope you know how I feel. Because in your anger is your healing.